Papa, I remember

I remember when I was young and looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I get reminded when I’m in here, a little bit older, still looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I’m so much skillful now than when I was eight but I still need you because you’re so much skillful now than when you were forty nine.

I feel lost from time to time and I came to the realization each time that it’s part of growing up because you told me so. Maybe it really is true – that it’s part of maturing; or maybe you told me that because you don’t want me to feel bad about feeling lost, and you’re trying to make it sound like it’s just normal and I should just dig it in and continue.

You were working in an office and you were pretty great on what you do as you provide me a great shelter, nice clothes, compelling education, and unconditional love. You were always there for me, you still are, even at times when even I, wasn’t there for you, and wasn’t even there for myself either. You being there for me never changed and I know it never ever will.

I remember when I was twelve going thirteen, I don’t want you to pick me up from school anymore nor want you to accompany me going there each weekday morning. I just want to be on my own that quick, that early. I remember the day from last week, that was a little over a decade after that, I want you to pick me up from work, and I want you to accompany me there every single day; so for me to feel safe, so for me to know I’m doing just fine… because you tell me so and I will entirely believe that I’m doing just fine… because you just told me so.

I have achieved. I have failed. You were present during those times regardless of what the weather is. For a man of few words, it’s pretty big to hear you talk and share your thoughts about my dealings – whether it’s good or bad. I remember when I was about to go to college and refused every single thing that my mom wants for me – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy. I remember a Saturday night from two weeks ago, I was so exhausted about work and wanted to take part anew, I was even crying I think – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy.

I remember hiding things from you - about romantic relationships, friendships, and where I go. I was young and I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what to do. I remember three or four years ago when I’ve had my heart broken. I came home crying. I was crying so hard and I went for you, you were at the kitchen just across the bathroom, you hugged me and told me that it’s okay and it’s just going to be okay. It did eventually. I remember the times after that, I still get my heart broken from time to time, but never did I cry so hard like that again, because Papa, I remember that it’s okay and it just going to be okay because you told me so.

I remember the time I wanted to quit my job and I verbalized it during a mini family gathering because I was asked. Everyone says no and I felt a little bit off because I didn’t feel good about that job anymore. I felt a little bit off because I thought that quitting and doing what I actually like to do will be a bad idea, that jumping from one job to another felt like a heinous crime I should not be committing. That feeling was that bad, I wanted to disappear right then and there. You were beside me and just quiet, I was quiet too thereafter and out of the blue, you looked at me and whispered that it’s okay, I can do whatever I want to do and I should do whatever that is that will make me happy. You assured me that you will not feel bad about it so I should not too.

I remember moments when I was in different beautiful places. I remember moments when I wanted you to see what I was seeing there too. I wanted us to be in the same place. I wanted you to witness the beauty that I’m witnessing. For you were one of the best reasons why I did, why I can, and why I will.

I remember each and every single day with you, Papa. I also remember every single day when I wasn’t with you. The thoughts of you wrap me up and make me feel not alone inside the four corners of my apartment. Your thoughts warm me at terrible times, communicating to my inner core that it’s just going to be fine.

I remember each digital camera proceedings when we are filming. I remember my thoughts of you that, I know, you’ll like what I’m doing. I remember each story, each word, that I know you’re proud of me because I expressed myself and wrote it down; and even prouder because it made its way into a good use. I remember every thought. I remember every story. I remember every feeling. And I know you are too.

I remember everything, Papa. So much remembering that I don’t want to forget. I tell you things I remember now because I don’t want to forget them and I don’t want them to forget me. As same goes with you, I hope you always remember even if it’s harder for you now. You shall never be forgotten because you give me, and everyone for that matter, so much to remember.

Cheers to the best lolo! Happy birthday, Papa. I love you.

Alessa