Why it was a torture and why it was OK

Taken at Tagaytay, Philippines during a windy day. I watched some kite-flying, too. How wonderful it is to be a kid.

I’m not good at acknowledging my feelings. I usually nip it in the bud or let it stay within me in a span of hmmm… 20 seconds to a minute. It is because I always believe that there is more to life than what we feel at the moment – and I know it was right. I know I was right. At some point.

But what I did not realize... it's case-to-case basis and I apparently generalized it. For the longest time, I always suppressed some of the emotions I needed to feel because most of them were far negative for the day – stress, annoyance/irritation, sadness and the like. I felt like I was strong enough to conceal and not to feel. I felt like I have control. And oh, it is true that I have control; we have control – so I stood by it. Indeed, we are in control of our emotions and how our minds go round about things and events. But like in some situations, there’s also a need for us to feel what we feel and why we should feel and react to them.

We have a lot of emotions we need to get out in the open. And I, as I was not good at acknowledging them, I was doomed. Sometimes, people will mistakenly judge me as an insensitive individual when I apparently can feel something like them too; it was not just obvious. My wiring as a person runs through some emotional elimination – that, if it’s not that important, I don’t make time for it; I don’t let them overrule and consume me. Even in my field requires me to be always pleasant and that’s what I like about my chosen path – the way I can always be positive and remain as it is. Other negative feelings and unfavorable connotations just appear to be invalid. It has its pros and cons, let me just remind you.

Recently, I went through an emotional struggle. Certain stories affected me without even accepting that I was truly affected. I just managed how I could help those people who trusted me enough to tell me the most drastic stories I’ve ever heard in my quarter-life on earth so far. In lieu, it affected me unconsciously. I had trouble sleeping yet I don’t know why. I had various dreams about things, of the scenarios, and what might come after. Things ran through my head until 2 in the morning without even feeling the need to shut down my being. It was non-stop. I did not even know what was happening. I thought I was just stressed like the default crunch. It was a torture.

I came to work like my usual – happy, energetic, animated and vibrant – yet I know deep inside there were things I know in there that scratching my chest, all have been wanting to come out. But as my wiring went on its usual, those things were not successful of such reveal. I was not alarmed. I just know that there were hidden things inside of me and I even found those irrational.

Days passed and still I was high with emotions I did not even know that actually were emotions. I tried assessing what I have gone through the recent. I tried so hard. Then everything came like birds flying high up to me and I started to feel my heart beating fast – it was beating like an after jog spree. It was beating like I have gone through a 42K marathon. I couldn’t contain. It was a torture.

And then I knew I was damn affected. Finally, I started acknowledging every bit of it. I felt a sort of relief and an affirmation of something I was wondering about for the longest time completely approached me. The emotions were heavy but I felt like it was right to feel it. My chest was still heavy but I already knew why it was heavy. Convincingly, I knew where it was coming from. I really wanted to cry but it did not happen; that up until now, I feel like I still owe myself that intense cry my heart has been longing.

Two of my closest friends were kind enough to help me go through my emotions. And I can’t forget how they have held my hand to go through that shallow path towards my long-kept ‘feelings.’ And I can’t thank them enough, too.

Me: …… It just pains me to see them like that. I felt like there are so many things I can [still] do. 

Friend 1: You can only do as much. Remember, you can give them the sun, the moon, and the stars, but still cannot give them everything. All you can do now is to be with them and help them to get where they deserve to be. The best you could do is what you are doing right now; just do what you do best. Little things create a big impact.

And about those long-kept repressed feelings…

Friend 2: Repressing your emotions... well, you needed that to survive before, but I think it’s time to learn another skill… letting it out. 

Acknowledging and letting myself feel all of these emotions challenge me, it's even a torture for me, just to emphasize. But these, I've finally realized, are just constant reminders that I’m human and humane. These all reminded me that it is OK to feel all emotions - no matter how negative they are at some point. What we just need to do is not let them overrule us and still, be wise about how we can go about them.