Feel

Today, I went to all the places we usually go to. I wanted to feel what it's like to walk there alone, like really. I wanted to see how I am, how I can carry things and how can I eventually go on.

I absorbed everything. I felt it all once again but surprisingly, those I felt weren't heavy. I didn't feel I lost something - perhaps I have accepted it and understood it; no pushing, no anything, just acceptance and understanding.

I sat there, that certain place I used to be where exactly when I was waiting for you to arrive. I sat there, reminisce and I didn't feel heavy - my chest wasn't shrinking anymore as much as it used to, as much as it supposed to be then. I sat there with all the dry leaves, dry area, leaves falling down, and I felt fine because perhaps I have accepted it and I don't want to ignore the acceptance.

I stayed there because that's how I do it, stay. I told myself that: before, I used to wait here, sat here, excited to receive a call or a text telling "I'm near." Now, I sit here, all by myself, and definitely won't be receiving anything like I used to but then I don't feel that heavy anymore, there's a sting but then I feel fine. There's something/someone I'm looking for but then the moment just hold me back, as if saying that "you need to slow down and feel all of these for it will be finer tomorrow, the next day and the next until it passed you by and that's the time you can say, it's all over. The storm has passed and it's a brand new day."

A place so familiar became so strange in an instant. I want to feel it, every single detail, bit by bit and piece by piece, indulge and let it go... So next time, there's no more you left here even when it was really your place, even when you really belong here.