Starting Over and Over and Over Again

I have been in this phase for the longest time. It's not new to me and probably, it will not be a question for me how I will do it. Yet, after all, I felt like I'm being renewed in life. And yes, no one's counting how many takes you've done and surpassed to make a beautiful film; that well in fact, your bloopers are what makes it more fun and exciting. My journey in life was never easy and it will never be, I know that for sure. But there is something definite about it: I will get tougher, stronger and wiser. That goes without saying (even though I cry myself hard sitting on the toilet and making  life's decisions in the shower.)

My career had taken the flight out; high up the ground. I achieved more than what I even expect from myself. I was a manager at 23, a department head at 24; indeed an achiever at a young age than the ideal manager/department head time. While some are just finishing their undergraduate studies, me on the other hand is already spearheading marketing campaigns, overseeing and leading a department. Many will think I was living the dream of every graduate. I was living the life of high paying work that will able me to buy what I want, go where I want to go.Yes, I was living the dream, and no, I wasn't living the life. It was not fancy as it sounds. It was not fun as I and you think it was. Every step I take was big. Every word I utter was even bigger.

I was and still so grateful for my experiences. It let me gain my leverage in any field possible, in any field I'm interested to venture on. I will never lose that leverage, I know. Those experiences made me realize what I really want, what I really need, where I want to be and who I want to become. I found out that what I want and who I want to be is plain simple. I've learned that I don't need anything grand in this life; unlike how I perceived it before, unlike how everyone else perceived me to be. I was living in a life full of expectations from others but not my own. I was learning everything because I want the acceptance of many but not of myself.

Before in my career, I have been criticized because of my age. I was so young to be a manager, a head. People higher than me had doubts with my ability to lead - because I was young. They are second-guessing if I can do the job because I wasn't done with my graduates studies yet and I wasn't even taking up MBA to add more to that. I was a millennial; and it was a disadvantage more than an advantage based on their assessments. I lived to that and  eventually went, over and under. I learned every harsh word said to me was meant to make my skin thicker. Every question and doubt about my credentials were meant to make me stand up for myself and believe in myself more. Every lambasting moments in my career and my life in general were not meant to embarrass me but meant to make me stronger. I've realized all of those during one of my lowest points in life - and it wasn't easy to bare, to take and believe.

Each unwavering experience led to one thing and another. Some are good, most are bad yet I went through around it and it got better eventually. I was close to giving up, or I did. But I get back up because I have to; I need to. Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." It is true. Some situations in our lives can be cured with a proper state of mind. Choose your battles, don't sweat the small stuff, take it easy, so on and so forth. Every quote, and simply everything I know that is possible to ease my burdens, I strive hard to believe and make a life of. I've also realized that it is not always okay to leave and live for money. I had high paying jobs, rakets on the side, engagements with different fields that paid me generously. I was happy while doing all of those. I was so happy and I was very tired too. A lot happened so quick and some of those I've missed to witness and get a grip of. The family was having fun without me and the closest they could get to me was via social media and mobile phone. My friends were able to travel abroad, climb mountains, and explore different places, while I was in front of my computer preparing my report, writing commissioned articles, doing my presentation deck, traveling back and forth for work, checking this and that. The leisure for me was when I can come home quite early and snooze for 6 hours max. It was fun for me though, but it'll be more fun if I know how to live a little.

While I immerse myself to all the engagements and businesses,  I forgot how it was to be just me. I may be at home but my mind was restless. I didn't know how to relax and I can't either if I wanted to. I left a fun work environment to shift to a new one and be able to pay my bills. It was helpful, yes for my bank account, but never for my whole being. Then when you want to go back on how it was before, you can't. Not then. Not now. I've worked harder because I have to pay the bills. Just to pay the bills. I was good in what I was doing. But I wasn't good to myself. I felt then that I have become distant and I can't make myself happy anymore. So the bigger question was, how can I make other happy too?

Everything mattered when I finally found the love of my life, of course. The world did get better and life became easier to bear. Nonetheless, he also dealt with my stress, with my strenuous activities, that sometimes it could lead to my indifference towards him. Subconsciously, it happened. Fast forward to a concluded job, I was in between jobs for more than a month and was thinking if I will venture on a business or work full-time (yet, I have chosen both, of course. #maypinapagawangbuilding). Though everything will happen one-by-one; I don't want to do it all at once and see that there's nothing left about me yet again.

What I have learned is that you should be good to yourself, absorb everything that worries you, acknowledge it but don't forget to let it go! Let it go! Those people who judged or criticized you will always be there; and to tell you honestly, you really don't need their approval because the truth is you don't live for them. You live for yourself, for your purpose, and for the people who deserve you. At the end of the day, you should be after of taking care of yourself, doing what makes your heart and soul happy (while doing the right thing of course). In this way, you can make others happy too. You can be their happy leprechaun in the day of hardships; their motivation of how they should attack the rudeness of their lives if there's any. You have to have that something before you can finally give something.

Looking back, with all the experiences - good or bad, I'm still lucky. Amidst of all my life's disasters and challenges, there goes a love that embraces me each day, curing my bad days and perfecting all imperfections in all ways possible. Now, I don't need to worry more, and I choose not to worry much because life has its own way on how it will calibrate you when you're losing it; when you're not on track anymore.

Thank the people who never left. Treasure them and cherish each moment with them. Let go of the toxic people in your life - their time with you  is already over and it is now the right moment for you to turn the page. Forgive. Give your sincerest forgiveness yet don't forget. Keep the lessons with you. Be grateful for what you have now, for chances, for choices, for breaks; no matter how small, and don't forget to celebrate life. Each day is a new day. Chapters are closing, get excited to head to the next one.

Here's to a beautiful life ahead!


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